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Sunday, May 1st, 2005
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3:34 am - no more special pillow
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fergus, apologies for where you will be during the next week. i hope you fare out well - i will come back for you.
pictures of my kindergarten and grade 1 school demolition will follow.
current music: please release me
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| Friday, April 15th, 2005
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10:22 pm - .
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| Saturday, March 26th, 2005
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11:04 pm - i'd rather be a crane
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rome fixed itself on the equestrian statue.
it was the witty and mocking point to display.
ride on blackbeauty, cassius, and don quixote.
riding still as the powers that run just behind you.
fixed as a referent to remember the aching paralax, the monarch paradox.
picked it up and placed it, kept an eye and walked along.
mental mapping moves past the atlas.
masquerading as a
masquerading as a
trojan lip service decoy.
current music: music from the spheres, by argent
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| Sunday, March 20th, 2005
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12:37 am - i lay beside a mountain
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every morning except sunday she goes to the mail box, water floaters on her limbs - she propels forward. slowly back to the house - ramp up. inside are heaps of crochet she's given up to arthritis, the spider plant that clings to the chimney's watershed, and no photographs from the past fifteen years. she locks the door three times and heads back to her bed, the obituaries are read and the rest discarded. what happened to her garden? there's no writing, only bell canada and sleep.
i cam in the night and asked her to tell me about when she was young and loved on the mountain. instead she excitedly told me of the neighbour's attempt to take down the family. magicbags and icepacks tuck her in, a rough freckled arm reaches out and she smells like everything thats on the inside. i touch the grooves in her fingernails until i fall asleep and feel the splash of pools falling into the base of her neck.
need to stop trying to remember things that never even happened to me, and probably were made up in the first place anyways.
current music: all souls' rising, by angels of light
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| Monday, March 14th, 2005
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3:54 pm - rest for the wicked.
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watched him from the other room this morning. tuned in on a cartoon about a dad teaching his son to fish, he smiled away knowing he'd learned and taught this before. he is so awful and so innocent. he continues to tell me how much he disliked the film 'big fish', says he's more into hysterical stuff - he means historical. his stories are a larger part of a narrative i should stop believing in. in reality the old man would have given up telling them, nobody is quite that insistent about the truth anyways.
current music: i feel free, by cream
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| Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
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10:39 pm - babys on fie-errrrrr
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| Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
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3:57 pm - tiny tim does false_ettoes
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| Sunday, March 6th, 2005
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3:32 pm - through my fathers lens
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| Thursday, March 3rd, 2005
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10:48 pm - if livelihoods are invisble, they should be seen on a global level?
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i played a russian priest today, in a play that mocked the house of commons, they thought it was funny.
theres been a dark financial burden looming over me and i think once i can clear that i will have much better dreams.
tomorrow i am going to kingston to visit mama, she will be severely drugged [but hey, she got a new knee - this means i can chase her again!!]. also, there will be no music on the drive. welcome: mundane thoughts that i 'should' be thinking about.
current music: in the temple, by the cranes
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| Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
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11:45 am - no more tobacco sneaky
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horrible dreams, woke up scared and sweating with heat pushing down on my fr. the above vent. missed my first 2 classes. i am very tired of the mundane, being creative doesn't even work anymore. i just want it to be 6 months fr. now so i can be certain about what i should be doing right now.
where are all the people at the lake?
i am remembering the man i met on a bench to hull, it was night and he was pacing above the lake. he was quite rude at first but about an hr. 1/2 later said that his wife'd left him, he was a geographer. he was wearing a MEC suit and drinking actual mouthwash out of a plastic perrier bottle.
he seems to go well with the man fr. the manx who says 'sometimes there's a freedom in not making a choice'.
roger that.
current music: lilac wine, by jeff buckley
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| Monday, February 28th, 2005
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1:24 pm - tick tick toc
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been sewing, not writing much, but i started dostoevsky's 'notes fr. the underground'. 
slogging through the last six courses at carleton. bringing in some dough with my red quill. i managed to apply to three graduate schools, i would have liked to have applied to more - but it is such a lengthly process.
this week i am giving two presentations on sustainability, focusing on consumerism in jakarta and the UNs disgusting definition of sustainable development.
went to hull three times over reading week, which is quite a bit for me. went to the CMC to see the new Viking IMAX, went to Le Troquette with Indri, and went to Cafe Diane with Esther and Pia.
indri was telling me about an old friend whom used to be her mental consult and a grandmother which she considers has not truly left her. i like her personality a lot when she does not try and impress at all.
a discovery nonetheless; i tend to leave the crowd (metaphysically) if i have a hard enough time relating to at least one of the people b/c it is impossible for me to submerse myself into something that i can't relate to.
current music: here we go, by arab strap
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| Sunday, February 13th, 2005
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4:37 pm - too great to look directly at
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happy valentines day
i've been drinking coffee all day long and last night i could barely sleep. i'm in kingston for the weekend as i had a dentist appointment the other day. my cavity was filled and it turns out the other alleged cavity was a birth mark! also, i had my consultation to have my wisdom teeth taken out, and that should actually happen sometime in april.
the anchor at confederation park is deteriorating considerably, i still remember when i used to climb it [it stood then].
on the drive here i remembered a metal windmill i used to play with, it had corrugated sides, and it would play music when the wheel was turned back. it tasted a lot like the blue salt lick we had in the backyard that i was supposed to stay away from.
sad, i never take the risk - in my mind it seems like there is too much to lose. what a beautiful forehead/eyes/heart.
current music: looking for space, by john denver
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| Monday, January 31st, 2005
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3:22 am - pulled_one_off
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what if you were living your life right beside another and things began to shift. ocean ridges, tectonic plates, one thing moves, another plate gone under, but know that it will resurface in another 1.3 billion years. i've done everything i can to accommodate change to prevent realization. things have been rip rip ripping away until they've become loose enough to be parallel or anywhere else but beside.
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| Thursday, January 27th, 2005
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11:37 pm - 2 to 85
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'lady in red' would not go, it was freezing, and i had decided to take the bus. bus 2 to 85 for about 10mins. alltogether a nice peoplewatching cdtoting time. until - the fall. i fell in such a way that i was coming off a raised section of the bus and was supposed to have stepped down - while falling from the fact that i was not ready to step for somereason coupled with a near pedestrian hit, i was propelled through the core of the bus in a coffee vortex [i had stopped at bridgehead to pick one up]. skidding to a halt at the front where the pay station stands everyone came rushing with concealed laughs "omigod are you okays"? turning slowly up at them, my face beading in sweat & heart pounding. i hobbled from the bus covered down my whole front side in dirt and dust i had gained. on the corner i met the elderly man we'd almost hit with the bus, he'd been trying to run at the bus he said. it was forty three years worth of revenge for the numerous dustfalls that route 2 had given him. never ever stops here.
i went to see kronos quartet on tuesday, they played a real mix of pieces composed from 1990-2004. there was minimal to no visual at times, it was nice, i closed my eyes on a few parts and just sat there. here is a list of the lineup: oasis by franghiz ali-zadeh, evic taksim by tanburi cemil bey, jabiru dreaming by peter sculthorpe, intus trepidare by willem jeths, oculus pro oculu totem orbem terrae caecat by alexandra du bois, and campo santo by felipe perez santiago. for an encore they chose to stop the sporadic shriekish parts and played [nyja lagio by sigur ros] dessert. the old people who frequent the n.a.c. were blown away by the encore, i thought it sounded a bit like a midi file in comparison to an mp3. however it was played perfectly, the 2 times i've actually seen sigur ros live they have not been that acute with their bowing - i think it would be nice to see kronos do less straight edge experimenting and just play it rough once in a while.
current music: harold budd remix, by labradford
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| Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
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5:10 pm - i will be your exec. dir. babe
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 Muriel MN Dennison [Muley] westport, 78 years ago 1-800-ded-fone
objective: did you know that you're my hero? [diverts att'n away fr. the fact that she has no goals]
qualification highlights:  in your hair
ambidextrous
will have sex for $ Bling!
cpr after drowning my mother
multiple personalities facets
work experience: detective, PeI
conversationalist
the dump
reference: see the Canadian Winston Dictionary, ass!
current music: the ecstasy of gold, by ennio morricone
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| Monday, January 17th, 2005
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12:00 am - people who are unable to motivate themselves must be content with mediocrity
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This one's for you D.J. Wurtele:
i am learning to let things go
There must be a lot of people all over the world who sense that they're hanging on to something that is hurting them, but they may not even be aware of what it is that they're hanging onto, what it is they need to let go of.
How many times have you let go of things, thinking that "when I get rid of this, I'm going to be different"? It's almost endless, isn't it? But the fact remains that we don't free ourselves. If I let go of you, then I get someone else.
However, every time exposed to a reminder (or whenever the memory spontaneously appears) either pass over it without thought or immediately try stopping the memories and telling yourself to "forget about it," "don't think about it," "let it go," "it's water over the dam," "go on to something else," "not now," "don't waste my time," "STOP!" etc., etc
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| Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
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9:35 pm - away with development!
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old man seeking old man,
preferably bald and at least twenty five
all i ask is sensitivity, i won't care if you sleep around
oh yes - and paino hands!
current music: super sexy woman, by sufjan stevens
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| Saturday, January 8th, 2005
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2:09 pm - should have stayed home
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juile,
school and work has led me to have little time in the real world. when i first moved to ottawa i found brixtons environment very pleasing. the bartender was awesome, she'd share her cigarettes with me, amongst drunks from next door.
some say to let things go, i think this is one of the largest problems in the world [not to say that the world would be better at the micro level, but at least people could hold themselves accountable for their own thoughts & words].
here's what they'd say to let go of:
last night i went to brixtons and went next door to 'the edge' [dancey gaybar which has replaced paradox]. turned out to be a great mix of ppl + the music was a bit of a joke - the dj knew [go dutch dance mixes!!!]. went back to brixtons with my roommate and sat where we used to. you recognized us fr earlier, upon explaining where we had been - you started judging us though you had no idea that it was even a gaybar. gays=always kind and bubbly, dancing to madonna, not throwing bricks through your windows. but at least you were capable of throwing in some trivial fact like "the owner are homosexual". you proceeded to be condescending until our departure. last night was the worst karma i have ever seen in brixtons: bright lights at 11:00pm, radio music, lonely people with a cold bartender to lead. i was told by a crippled gay that i look amish, ,i have a feeling i know where this one hangs his hat. i quite took to him and think he'd be a good conversationalist over coffee - if only to talk passionately about the NDP.
i just want to go back and be able to see disco ball reflections in my beer.
current music: the one who has disappeared, by the black heart procession
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| Sunday, January 2nd, 2005
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2:08 am - snow, glass, apples
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| Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
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11:24 pm - spyglass to sadness
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it's hard when you want someone to miss you as much as you miss them and you have a feeling that they don't.
you need to stop getting attached, falling in love with things in your head because those people are not who they really are.
you will leave soon, move to montreal or toronto, never back to kingston, never, sadly as that will be.
you will leave a few loved ones behind, though they will realise your ability to bring them down -but they will miss you nonetheless.... because you were funny sometimes, you were!
on a less selfish note, pops is recovering from the quadruple bypass heart surgery and I'm so glad they didn't break his heart because thats his best feature. some delusional waiting room fragments include 'to bypass this message press DOC HOLIDAY' and 'I'll pick you up in my Rolls-Royce.....
t-shirt!' and 'you're ding dang right I do'. The last one was a continuous verse.
i need to learn more about chelation therapy.
i need to find some way to move on, not only do i not know how, but i don't even know if i want to.
I would like to curl into 1,000 cardigans
dream of warm kitten eyelids and cozy socks
winter tea with egg nog
a branch on the head and a sleep in the snow
i can't wait to go to bed again.
current music: Surfacing, by Windy and Carl
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pull_one_over's journal
